Becoming ‘Mom’

The scariest day of my life was the day we brought our first child home from the hospital.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was staring at the biggest unknown I had ever seen. I was terrified that something would go wrong and there would be no nurses or doctors around to help. What if he stopped breathing? What if he spit up and choked? What if he just quit eating? What if I could never figure out the whole breastfeeding thing and he starved? What if he just cried and cried and I didn’t know how to make him stop?

And my fears didn’t stop there. I worried about his future. What bad things would happen to him? What choices would he make? How many bones would he break? Would he have health problems? Would he be happy with us? I worried about us. Would we be good parents? Will I ever sleep through the night again? Am I doing this right?

The first few weeks, even months, were an adjustment. Every day was taken up by this new person who had entered my life. Each day was filled with diaper changes, feeding him, burping him, feeding me, baths, and cat naps. Those six things took up every hour of my day for weeks.

Everything I had been before was suddenly replaced by the title, ‘Mom.’

I had read books about being a mom, and taking care of babies. I had been around kids and babysat kids before. And I had been given a TON of advice. But nothing prepared me for what it was really like.

In one day my life had completely changed. There were wonderful things about it but there were lots of hard things. The hardest was that I didn’t know who I was anymore.

There wasn’t time or energy for all the things I had been before I became a mom.

I knew that by definition I was a mom, but I didn’t feel like a mom. Moms were happy and knew what they were doing and enjoyed their kids. Mostly I felt like a zombie wandering around in a maze of diapers and wipes, and spit up rags that was never going to end.

It took about nine months for me to feel like I had finally started to figure things out. Before then, I would think I had it figured out, and then my son would change things on me. He wouldn’t want to eat as often. He wouldn’t sleep as often. He would learn to roll over, or crawl, or put things in his mouth. All of a sudden, he wouldn’t eat green beans anymore. It was constantly changing.

He continued to change things up on me after that, but they were more spaced apart, and fewer in number. As each new challenge was presented and I was able to learn and adjust, I started to feel more like ‘Mom.’ But I didn’t really feel like ‘me.’

Because having a little baby took up almost all of my time and energy, I didn’t do all the things I had done before. I hadn’t taken time for my hobbies in a while.

But over time, as being ‘Mom’ became second nature, all of the other titles I had given myself (i.e. wife, cook, seamstress, reader, runner, person, …) began to return. I felt like I was becoming ‘me’ again.

Then his brother came along.

And I started the whole process again with a different child.

This little boy was different than his brother. He reacted to things differently, and had different needs, and did things his own way. With each new thing I learned from him and the more time I spent with my boys, I felt more and more like ‘Mom’ was part of just being me.

So many things make us who we are. They come and go as we move through life. We are student, employee, runner, cook, reader, boater, skier, seamstress, athlete, etc… And mom, or dad, is no different. The more time we devote to that title, the more it becomes part of who we are.

Five months ago, my fourth child was born. Bringing him home from the hospital was completely different than the first. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Instead of holding my breath and trying not to have a panic attack, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt that I could handle this. I still had no idea what it would be like with this child. It was still a big unknown. But by taking it one day at a time, I figured we would make it.

If you ask me to describe myself, ‘Mom’ is the first thing that I say. But it didn’t used to be. I am other things still but almost everything I do now is for my kids. And it gets overwhelming. They are all still little and they demand a lot of my time. They need me. And I have learned I need them.

One day, they will be gone, and it will seem I am ‘Mom’ more by title and less by action.

But for now, ‘Mom’ is who I am and what I do. And for four people, it is the most important thing I will ever be.