Manage the Whining

Every parent has a fuse. It is known as our tolerance, or patience level. Some parents naturally have a longer and slower burning fuse. Others have a short, fast fuse. And there is everything in between.

The great thing is that we can change our fuse. We can practice. We can increase our tolerance and patience level with our children. It takes time and work, but it can be done.

I have worked on developing a longer, slower burning fuse but there is one thing that just lights me up.

Whining.

When I hear whining it’s like someone dipped my fuse in gasoline and took a blow torch to it. I CAN’T stand it! It’s awful. Like nails on a chalk board.

It is so annoying that I will do almost anything to get it to stop. My kids know this and they take advantage of it. If they learn that they get results fastest when they whine then that is what they will do.

Here’s a few things I have done to combat the whining:

1 – I do not give them what they want. Whining results in an automatic ‘no’. I don’t respond to what they say. Once they calm down and talk nicely I am willing to listen, or get them a drink, or consider whatever it is they are asking. This way I reinforce the good behavior and reject the unacceptable. They learn that they get Mom’s attention fastest when they are speaking kindly.

2 – I become a broken record. When my kids whine I politely say the same thing every time. “Whining hurts my ears. I’ll be happy to listen when you sound normal again.” Sometimes it’s just, “Try again please.” If the whining continues I say it again. If I have to, eventually, I just stop speaking.

This helps me because it keeps me from being drawn into any arguments. It requires little effort so it doesn’t burn up my fuse in one shot. I let my kids know what is acceptable to me and what is not through my actions and not a lengthy, patience draining lecture. If they really need my attention then they will make a change so that I want to listen to what they have to say.

This benefits my kids because it is a gentle reminder to check what they are doing and re-evaluate their choices.

For smaller children who are just beginning to learn the concept of whining I might give an example of how to say it nicely, and then let them repeat it.

3 – They get to calm down in their room. When whining turns into crying and fit-throwing my children are kindly invited to go cry in their room. They are welcome to come back out and try again when they are calm. This invitation sounds something like, “I see you’re having a rough time. Please go calm down in your room. Feel free to come out when you are calm.”

When they resist I either guide them to their room or take them there. If we are not at home then I escort them to someplace that they can safely finish their fit alone without destroying anything or hurting themselves. I remain close by so that I can monitor them.

After they have calmed down and their voice sounds normal they are welcome to talk to me again and I will give them my full attention.

4 – I recognize when they get it right the first time. When my children ask me nicely on the first try I tell them, “Thank you.” I don’t remember to do it every time, but often. This shows that I appreciate when they talk nice and that I am listening.

Consistently following this pattern has lessened the whining in our house immensely. Usually I only have to say, “Whining hurts my ears. I’ll be happy to listen when you sound normal again,” and they take a few deep breaths, calm right down, and try it again. Other times they end up going to their room and it takes 30 minutes to an hour for them to calm down. But once they are calm they always get to try again if they would like. I want to hear what my children have to say, but I don’t want to hear whining.

I don’t know that whining ever really goes away completely. It creeps in on all of us. Even adults. But we don’t have to listen to it. We can separate ourselves from it and lengthen the life of our fuse.

By teaching my children how to collect themselves and respond in a normal tone, they are given power to govern themselves and their lives. They learn that they have a choice of how they are going to act.

And hopefully one day they won’t let anyone else whine at them either.

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